Dear Santa

I have tried to be a really good boy this year and don't think I have used 'Potty Mouth' excessively, drunk more than my share, been too frivolous on eBay & Amazon, blamed all bottom-burps on Charlie Cat, finished that last bit of pie in the fridge (without reason), licked the big wooden pudding stirring spoon (or licked the plate clean instead of washing it up when Jayne was away....as if..), parked in the 'Parent & Child' parking space when it was obvious that my parents were not with me (often), growled at the obnoxious ill-behaved child at the next table in the restaurant (before the watershed), deliberately confused the poor check-out assistant at the Supermarket with irrelevant product questions (unnecessarily), moved the ornaments around in the 'In-Laws' house (for the sheer hell of it), actively sought out books about dinosaur poop or other embarrassing bodily functions for an impressionable God-Child (because I could), put the re-cycling bins out very early the night before knowing it was 'normal' collection day (just to mess with the minds of the neighbours) and then put the correct bins out just before going to bed, so for Christmas I should like....

• Plenty of Bacon on the Turkey
• 'Proper' gifts in the Christmas crackers.
• A box of Savoury biscuits that don't include cream crackers but are suitable for Bacon
• A 'Password Vault' that doesn't have to contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin to access it
• A Sky remote control that has an 'Over-ride the Wife' Button
• Proper food labelling, something along the lines of 'WARNING: If you eat too much pizza you might fall over, knocking the person next to you over too' (known as the dominos effect)
• A bicycle that goes uphill without any input from the rider
• A Ferocious Dog tune that you can dance like a lunatic to that does not involve moving the knees

Thank you

Win No Win Situation

Microsoft having now ended support for Windows XP, means that the vulnerable operating system is now defenceless against predatory malware and elderly users. 

A WWF spokesman (after explaining once again he had nothing to do with Wrestling) said: “Operating systems need to be in the wild, living free, not just a CD-ROM or a stack of floppies in some museum and anyone with an old beige PC that still works must leave it undisturbed or face a heavy fine".

So, as a precaution, I've fenced off my dad’s computer, which takes at least 20 minutes to upload a Wikipedia page, and have handed its security to WWF officers armed with tranquilliser guns.

I've now got to try and explain to the old sage that 7 is better than 8 if you really want to look through a window but actually a piece of fruit is better still !!!

Splish Splash Splosh

You should AVOID going outside this weekend and instead stop indoors and watch the Rugby on the box, because unlike indoors, the outside world does not have controllable temperatures, padded seating or drawers full of chocolate. Nor does it have a roof on it, which is why it’s always raining. 

Dreaming

This is the second week of dabbling in Jayne's detox diet, I'm only participating when it's convenient or it looks particularly appetising, but I can honestly say I can see the results already. 

1: there is definitely less washing up to do

2: there is most definitely less compotation

3: it hasn't stopped raining

4: weird dreams

Last night I dreamt I heard the fridge calling me. It started with a soft, gentle voice and gradually worked itself into a demanding howl. Is it possible to drink wine in your sleep? This morning I'm convinced this has happened to me. Again !

The night before it was the National Society for Women's Suffrage asking me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it ~ too many women and not not enough thyme.

So, just to be on the safe side, today will be thus:

- Brekky

- Wave arse at Spain

- Draw spectacles & silly mustache on map of France

- Air of triumph

- Hubris

- Soup

Rule Britannia

On the back of the forthcoming Scottish referendum regarding independence from the UK, the 27 member states of the European Union have also demanded a referendum on whether Britain is allowed to stay, with voters across the continent being asked to choose whether Britain should have to follow the same rules as everyone else or just feck off. So far the latter option, which would see multilingual 'FECK OFF BRITAIN' signs at every European border crossing and mandatory cavity searches, is polling at around 90 per cent.


EU President Herman Van Rompuy said: “All we ever bloody hear from the UK is that you don’t want legal highs, you won’t pay benefits or you don’t want human rights. So what exactly does Britain bring to the EU, apart from of course your wonderful financial centre that destroyed all our economies a few years ago?”

Enrique Iglesias and his dad said: “An entire area of Spain – we call it the Costa del Crime – is a no-go area for ordinary people because of aged Brits reminiscing about the Krays while sucking up our health service like Bermuda-shorted vampires.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel added: “Despite our difficulties, Britain does have a very important role within the EU, “It unites the rest of us in loathing.”

Eyes Wide Shut

Shock Horror, the usual Friday early evening unwind in the Crown Inn went wrong.

We set off innocently, the memsahib driving (Pre-Nuptial Agreement number 107) albeit later than I would prefer but she had stopped en-route home after work to get some nibbles to have whilst dinner would be cooking later, so I waived the lateness clause (number 76) on this occasion.
After an interminable age in the car park, how difficult is it really to choose one of the 23 empty spaces, we were parked and proceeded the short perambulation to said hostelry.
 
THE FRONT DOOR WAS LOCKED with a notice affixed to it stating customers should use the rear entrance DURING REFURBISHMENT !

Glancing through the window it was too much to bear, the ancient & dusty bottles had been removed from the shelves, the rows of pump-handle badges on the ceiling were gone, presumbly as were the family of spiders who resided in them, the floorboards were being ripped up and main bar had been ripped out. 

I dont mind change, I like the fact that tv is now in colour, velcro has replaced laces and mobile phones can now take pictures for example, but I have been going to the crown nearly every Friday for the past 15+ years and like your favourite underpants, or a comfy armchair, when something is right it does not need changing.

So, passing both the Duke of York and the Station Hotel, and a mere 23 steps later I found myself at the FRONT ENTRANCE to The Fighting Cocks and jauntily without so much a by your leave strolled right in.
The beer was good, the chairs comfy, they sold Pork Pies and we talked to some nice people, one of whom had a hairy dog on a lead that was size of a donkey..

Could this be the end of an era? 

New Year Revolutions

Once again my new year starts blurry-eyed and fuzzy-headed, with no particular plan, other than an overwhelming desire to eat toast, and a grateful realisation that I have indeed survived another year of adventures.

So, to those who joined or followed me, actually or in principal, Happy New Year. Sorry I didn't lead you anywhere but I hope to do better in 2014. Trust me, I don't mean to be awesome but shit can happen !