Rule Britannia

On the back of the forthcoming Scottish referendum regarding independence from the UK, the 27 member states of the European Union have also demanded a referendum on whether Britain is allowed to stay, with voters across the continent being asked to choose whether Britain should have to follow the same rules as everyone else or just feck off. So far the latter option, which would see multilingual 'FECK OFF BRITAIN' signs at every European border crossing and mandatory cavity searches, is polling at around 90 per cent.


EU President Herman Van Rompuy said: “All we ever bloody hear from the UK is that you don’t want legal highs, you won’t pay benefits or you don’t want human rights. So what exactly does Britain bring to the EU, apart from of course your wonderful financial centre that destroyed all our economies a few years ago?”

Enrique Iglesias and his dad said: “An entire area of Spain – we call it the Costa del Crime – is a no-go area for ordinary people because of aged Brits reminiscing about the Krays while sucking up our health service like Bermuda-shorted vampires.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel added: “Despite our difficulties, Britain does have a very important role within the EU, “It unites the rest of us in loathing.”