I have tried to be a really good boy this year and don't think I have used 'Potty Mouth' excessively, drunk more than my share, been too frivolous on eBay & Amazon, blamed all bottom-burps on Charlie Cat, finished that last bit of pie in the fridge (without reason), licked the big wooden pudding stirring spoon (or licked the plate clean instead of washing it up when Jayne was away....as if..), parked in the 'Parent & Child' parking space when it was obvious that my parents were not with me (often), growled at the obnoxious ill-behaved child at the next table in the restaurant (before the watershed), deliberately confused the poor check-out assistant at the Supermarket with irrelevant product questions (unnecessarily), moved the ornaments around in the 'In-Laws' house (for the sheer hell of it), actively sought out books about dinosaur poop or other embarrassing bodily functions for an impressionable God-Child (because I could), put the re-cycling bins out very early the night before knowing it was 'normal' collection day (just to mess with the minds of the neighbours) and then put the correct bins out just before going to bed, so for Christmas I should like....
- Plenty of Bacon on the Turkey
- 'Proper' gifts in the Christmas crackers.
- A box of Savoury biscuits that don't include cream crackers but are suitable for Bacon
- A 'Password Vault' that doesn't have to contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin to access it
- A Sky remote control that has an 'Over-ride the Wife' Button
- Proper food labelling, something along the lines of 'WARNING: If you eat too much pizza you might fall over, knocking the person next to you over too' (known as the dominos effect)
- A bicycle that goes uphill without any input from the rider
- A Ferocious Dog tune that you can dance like a lunatic to that does not involve moving the knees
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