Schools Back

Parents across the UK are drunkenly celebrating the end of six weeks

 of hellish full-time childcare.

Here’s to the remnants of shattered sanity

 

Their shamelessly adult partying began outside school gates at 9.01am Monday morning after handing their offspring back to education professionals.

Mother of three Tamsin Rissington-Smythe said: “I waved a two-fingered goodbye to my little darlings, cranked Azealia Banks full blast on the stereo, cracked a bottle of Merlot right there in the car and sucked desperately at the bottle like it was a teat".

"Some other mums got in and we drove to a strip club, which made a refreshing change from overpriced pirate-themed attractions in castles.”

Risk manager Tarquin Jollyboy, who has spent half of the last six weeks pretending to be so bad at football that a five-year-old can beat him, said: “Freedom tastes so sweet".

“After a fantastic day of work where nobody mentioned Spongebob Squarepants, Despicable Me or Thomas the bastard Tank Engine, we hit the wine bar at 4.30pm on the nose. I can’t remember whose idea it was that we just not go home, but it was a damn good one.”

Grandparents have joined the party, elated at their release from a hellish round of local museums, sad farm parks and protracted negotiations with sucrose-crazed dictators just to get them out of their pyjamas.

 

The nation’s children greeted their return to school with equanimity. Eight-year-old Damien Trotter said: “If they’d taken me to one more petting zoo I would have strangled a hen, then pretended I didn’t understand why that was a bad thing to do.”