It’s a Christmas Conundrum

Us men have once again begun our seasonal late night looking through Amazon in a bid to buy something appropriate for the lady in our life.

We know, from our limited observations of said lady throughout the year, that there is a 52% chance she will not object to anything Michael Bublé based. But as the Christmas Doomsday Clock reaches T minus one month, we have already started our panicky surfing of the interweb using search terms such as ‘woman gift’, ‘Keira Knightley motorbike perfume’ and ‘books about relationships’.

Last Year my lovingly wrapped gifts of an electric toaster, matching kettle and oven gloves  were seriously frowned upon. So, in order to delay this years journey towards universal disappointment, I’m playing CD roulette with Michael Bublé and his fellow plastic Sinatras in a bid to remember which one she thinks is ‘brilliant’ because I overheard her on the phone to a

friend the other evening when she said “I do hope he gets me something I like, but that would mean him knowing something about me besides my mobile number and which colour wine I prefer", so the pressure is on.

 It would be great if Amazon were to offer to assess the perfect ‘woman gift’ based on her previous purchases, the items on her wish list and a complex algorithm involving stereotypes and simplify the delivery options into :- 

 1. Whatever, as long as it’s before the 24th 

 2. It's the 24th tomorrow, that'll be a sixty quid surcharge !

Dr Who ?

Dr Who fans are concerned that as a Time Lord from Gallifrey the Doctor is restricted to 12 regenerations and therefore the show must end or the Doctor Who universe could collapse in on itself, destroying everything including Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica.
Roy Hobbs, a Whovianist from Peterborough, said: "By my calculations the rogue Time Lord will succumb to the Master in 2016, the same year he faced the Judoons in episode D184. This cannot be."

The Doctor Who producer, Russell T Davies, has once again reminded the show's ardent fans that it is actually intended for children And said: "How's about this? I've just decided that The Doctor can fire Angel Delight from his fingertips and is sexually attracted to suspension bridges. How did I do that? Easy, we just make it up as we go along".
"If you watch any third-rate comedian, he will pretend to like Knight Rider and Bazooka Joe bubblegum before talking about watching Doctor Who from behind the sofa as a child. As… a… child."

Davies stressed he has little interest in Doctor Who mythology and said obsessive fans should instead try to pinpoint the moment when their lives veered horribly off track.
He added: "I'm sick of having to discuss Tardis engineering with people who smell like damp sandwiches. I'm more into designer glasses and phallic symbolism."
Davies admitted the latest series will upset fans further as the Doctor travels to 1978 New York to help the Village People write 'YMCA' while being played by an actor who looks like Noel Fielding drawn on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Off to the Conveniences

To avoid the problem of ‘splashback’ when having a pee in the standing position, especially after a few beers, I offer the following simple solution....

Wee in the sink.

As I see it, the standard toilet bowl is simply too far away from a Gentleman’s Tackle and mishaps are therefore inevitable. It’s got to be far more sensible for us men to go in the sink and since urine is sterile it’s not a hygiene issue so it’s got to be totally fine hasn’t it ?

In terms of convenience it’s brilliant because you don’t need to cross the room to wash your hands afterwards and it’s good for the environment too as it saves water, the hand wash becomes the flush, thus it’s a ‘Green’ way to pee, although if you are peeing green you should probably use the toilet. An added bonus is that lots of rooms, such as kitchens and hotel bedrooms, don’t have toilets but do have sinks. So, if your hotel room has a sink at the bottom of the bed you can even have a pee without getting up.

 “It’s all hypothetical of course; I’ve never done anything like that. Well….. maybe just a couple of times.”